Our Story – Part 1
I woke up on December 28, 2010 with a feeling that I might be pregnant. So I got out of bed and as quietly as possible took a pregnancy test. 2 pink lines almost instantly! What?! Really?! Oh my gosh! I’m so happy! Should I wake Kerry up? No, he is not a morning person. Better to wait until after he’s had a shower and maybe a glass of sweet tea for lunch.
Lunch comes. Sweet tea is consumed. (By him, not me.) I take a deep breath and say it.
“We’re going to have a baby!” Happiness. Hugs. Whoa, this is heavy!
I get online and find out that my due date will be sometime the first week in September. Perfect. The start of fall. Still warm, but not too hot. 2011 is going to be the Best. Year. Ever.
For you formed my inward parts, You covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows well.
My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
- Psalm 139: 13-16
Thursday, January 20, 2011 – First doctor’s appointment. We walk in, kind of nervous excited. The nurses smile and congratulate us and gift us with a huge bag of vitamin samples, pamphlets, the tiniest diaper I have ever seen and some other things. This is so exciting! First baby gifts! Haha My doctor comes in and asks me a lot of questions, listens to my heart and some other stuff and then we move to the ultrasound room. And there it is. Our baby. He was so beautiful! Doc says everything looks great. We hear the heartbeat. The most perfect little whoosh whoosh sound I have ever heard.
My Dr. gives me a rundown of dos and don’ts. Says no need to worry, everything looks great and I am healthy as can be. We’re told to come back in four weeks for another checkup and we take our baby’s first photo and head home.
Sunday, January 23, 2011 – We meet my parents and little brother for lunch under totally false pretenses and tell them the good news. I call my other brother and sister and tell them. We swear them all to secrecy as we haven’t had a chance to tell Kerry’s parents yet. We make plans to go see them the next weekend for a surprise!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011 – I go to work and feel “different.” The dreaded loss of symptoms. I tell myself that it’s probably just my mind playing tricks on me. I’ve got no real reason to worry. I go to the bathroom that afternoon and see a spot of bright red blood on tissue. Panic. Fervent prayers. "Please Lord, let my baby be ok. Please." I walk back to my office, put my feet up and start searching the internet for any little bit of reassurance that what I think is happening is not. I read a statistic that says you have a 90% chance of carrying your baby to term after seeing a healthy heartbeat. I try to relax.
I try not to worry, but I can’t shake this ominous feeling in the pit of my stomach. I show Kerry a crib I found online that I like. I tell him that I’m not feeling well and that I’m going to lay down and relax. A couple of hours go by. Then the cramping started. I go to the bathroom. More blood. Instant tears. I know what this is. I go and tell Kerry through sobs that I think something is wrong. He suggests that we call my doctor. We do. He answers and tells me that if the bleeding gets heavy and there is any clotting to go to the emergency room. And if it stays the same to come in to his office in the morning. He says it could be nothing serious. He says not to worry just yet. I wanted to believe him so bad, but I knew. We wait 1 hour. Heavier bleeding. Clots. We head to the emergency room.
We get checked in and wait three hours to be seen. Finally the nurse calls my name and we head back to the exam room. “This is it.”, I thought. “This is the part where they are going to tell me that my baby has died.” I tearily explain to the doctor everything that has happened. They do an ultrasound. No heartbeat. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. We are given a pamphlet on miscarriage and told to follow up with our doctor the next morning.
The next morning I saw my OB and he confirmed with another ultrasound that our baby had passed away. At my doctor’s recommendation we are scheduled for a D & C the following morning. That evening, the cramping became severe to the point of being nearly unbearable. It was the most physically painful experience of my life. The next morning, I had a D & C and we officially said goodbye to our baby.
Yet, I will not forget you. I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands”
- Isaiah 49:16
In part 2, I will talk about the emotional journey of our miscarriage.
